“I used to care but things have changed.”
That is one of my favorite lyrics from a Bob Dylan song. In my 58th year there are some things that have been concluded, questions that have been answered, some issues that remain unresolved and personal discoveries not yet made. Nonetheless, on the whole, I like what I am, as well as, who I am.
Though this exercise is spurred by boredom, these thoughts recur often and the intent is to express them rather than continuously recycle them in my head. Perhaps by giving them a different medium they can be eliminated. I do not pretend that will happen automatically. I am fully aware that many of my flawed behaviors continue despite my regrets caused by their effects.
It is true that my life has been adventurous, rich, blessed, difficult, frustrating, painful and truly amazing. From within these eyes it has been a uniquely wonderful experience. I am not one who believes that I would do things differently if given the proverbial chance. To the contrary, I think that thought process is a waste of time. The moment of decision and action cannot be undone. Analysis appears to have affected little on whether that same decision will be avoided or repeated if a similar moment occurs again.
I have lived much of my life from the perspective of an observer. This has enabled me to be, at times, brutally honest. I do not rationalize my flaws or exaggerate my strengths. They are what they are. It is an ongoing process to be better. I have spent time and money for ‘professional’ perspectives into my character. I’ve borne my own cross of torment and pain evaluating my upbringing and in search of the elusive demons. Now, without apology, I am done.
Having my experience solidifies my determination to change what I want to change and when I want to change. Therefore, outside motivation is non-effectual. Rebellion is part of my nature and I am a strong rebel. I know I live with some wounds. When they hurt I medicate.
Often caught in the ‘limbo’ world between superficiality and honesty, I am too honest. My mistake has been thinking honesty was a necessary ingredient for deeper relationships. I was wrong! Most people do not want honesty. Instead, they want a sense of sincerity and no evidence of lying. “Don’t ask and don’t tell!”
Since I do not have that ability I’ve set a new goal; “I used to care but things have changed!”
