Musings

THE SEARCH

“Donnie” she said flustered, “Turn around, walk to the end of the hallway, step through that doorway and right there, in the mirror, you’ll find what you’re looking for!  No matter where you go to find a mirror, the reflection will still be you!”  Mom’s response only stirred my angst. “You just don’t get it!” I said, slamming the door to my bedroom. I was foolish to think that any parent could possibly understand the real significance of an 18yr old male’s need to ‘find himself’. That search surely justified leaving home in Florida and moving to California in 1969. Hell, it was the bedrock of my case. I knew that, “because that’s where it’s happening”, was weak. Finding ‘Me’ should’ve screamed virtue, worthiness and maturity! Instead, she dismantled the entire thought process with a joke, worse yet, some form of Hee-Haw wisdom.

I didn’t yet have the development or the communication skills to properly explain that my reflection was not comfortable to view. For, not only was there this skinny, undersized, late physically maturing kid. My towhead turning to brown wavy hair, crooked teeth, often glazed eyes, a moustache which could be seen when enhanced with an eyebrow pencil, and the pimples. The worst feature was pronounced and obvious…Confusion!

After all, it was 1969 and the entire country seemed to be simultaneously experiencing some altered state of racial, political, sociological, puberty set to music! It was the first time in our history that there were more people alive under 25 years old than over that same age. The communication between the two groups was limited at best and fragmented or confrontational on the other end of the spectrum. What was later to be termed “The Greatest Generation” were fully engaged in the work ethic their character, shaped by the harshness and tragedies of their historical timetable, demanded. Never having needed constant parental tutelage to shape their lives, they did not feel compelled to provide it. The younger group living in a timetable of comfort, security and prosperity had their character shaped by peers, trends and relative ease.  In growing numbers and noisy protestations we demanded the equivalency of our truth. We not only held their advice in disdain we were hell-bent on being the instructors.

In my room however, when I laid my 18yr old head on my pillow, I knew my own truth. That is; I don’t know what’s true! It might even be true that I’ll die a virgin.  I was set to graduate from High School in a month and Vietnam was commonly called the “senior trip”. As a matter of fact, the primary reason we went to protests and love-ins was to meet girls. A smattering of geo-political conversation was perceived the best ‘pickup’ line. Damn, this virginity thing was always on my mind. Even a cursory overhearing of conversation on Mondays in high school revealed that I was destined to remain another week in the seemingly 1.3% of males still on the wrong side of the hurdle. How was it possible for all of this sex to be taking place between 3:30 Friday afternoon and 6:00 Sunday evening? I remember thinking, “Wow! It must be a completely different world for those guys with cars!” I chuckled to myself, noting that during the summer Monday through Thursday was also available.

                                    To be continued…

Well my friend, as with life itself, my masterpiece may end unfinished. Now, 40yrs. has transpired from my opening point of reference. What has remained constant is my yearning for truth, deeper understanding of the truths I know, historical foundations, observational awareness, compare-contrast logic as the basis for my personal philosophy. When all is said and done and a strong sense of humor remains, then I will be satisfied.

Recent events, national and personal have renewed a desire for more integrity in my life. By that I mean, to live truer to what I know. I believe when one understands knowledge, the practical application of it is wisdom. It is what separates the sage from the fool. I often say, “If I was wiser, I would know what a fool I am!”  I do love to muse, as well as, amuse and plan on adding more of each to my life.

Integrity is almost archaic today (especially on the national scene); probably circled in red if submitted to today’s English professors. As with so much else, it is not apparent nationally because it is not practiced personally. We seem to be far removed from a person of Ben Franklin’s character. He charted his progress in a notebook listing 13 virtues with daily marks of fulfillment. Most people today could not provide you with a list of virtues. They are as foreign in today’s thought as “a man’s word is his bond” or that his signature on a contract legally certifies his financial responsibility. “Bailout” what a linguistic hoot! It makes as much sense as a ‘pain free’ hot burner on a stove.  Either it wasn’t hot or it wasn’t painless. 

To save my sanity and to bring a greater sense of progress in my life, I have chosen to take a more detailed look into my past. Hence, the focus of applying pen to paper. The integrity issue is my present goal, but my happiest recollections

involve my friends.

The lack of virtue and civility in today’s culture gives me an intense interest in voices of our common past. I love to read quotes from people with a greater clarity. Here is a few I have been pondering lately.

When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.

                                                                        Japanese Proverb

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before giving them your confidence.

                                                                        George Washington

It is important to our friends to believe that we are unreservedly frank with them and important to our friendship that we are not.

                                                                        Mignon McLaughlin